the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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