Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
