I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
