You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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