Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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