Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
