Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
