so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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