Cold hands, warm shart.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
