Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
