Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
