Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize