He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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