I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize