you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
