It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
