There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Vodka?
Forever.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
