I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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