You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
