It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
