Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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