It's like God shit irony all over that family
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
