Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
