When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
