Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
