Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
