i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
