Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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