A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
