why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
