I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
