there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
