Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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