i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize