dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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