If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
