Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
