When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
