Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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