You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
