Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
