You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
