u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
