His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
