1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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