Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
