Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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