this beer tastes like vomit already
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
