I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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