I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
