i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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