Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I love you.
Bad choice
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize