Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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