i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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