My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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