I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
