I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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