We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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