if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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