I think I won the penis lottery.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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