Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
