i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
