You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
