im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Enjoy the penises
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
