tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
