Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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