i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
