I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
