I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
